High Expectations with Care: How Challenge Builds Resilience

Kristijan Musek Lešnik
Nov 13, 2025
3 min read

Updated: Nov 26, 2025

Children resist being pushed beyond comfort—that’s normal. What grows them is fair, loving, high expectations with real support. Let's look at how clear, age-appropriate demands paired with support build self-regulation, resilience, and achievement without slipping into pressure or permissiveness.

“Encouragement matters—but expectations turn belief into behavior.”

(Here, ‘expectations’ means the clear, age-appropriate standards we as adults hold for—and with—children, not pressure or perfectionism. )

Children don’t always meet encouragement with enthusiasm. When we nudge them beyond the comfort zone, resistance is a natural response. Some adults allow retreat; others hold steady with clear, consistent expectations.

Are Expectations a Form of Violence Toward Children?

No — quite the opposite. Children need expectations because they are still developing self-regulation: the ability to set goals, guide choices, and manage emotions and behavior over time.

Adults can (at least some of the time) make decisions aligned with values and long-term goals. We postpone gratification, control impulses, and choose what is right over what is easy — skills built gradually through guidance, structure, and practice.

Children, naturally, prefer to do what they enjoy, and when they feel like it. Self-regulation is still being learned — and we, the adults in their lives, teach it through the expectations and limits we set.

Why Expectations Matter

Good teachers are often the reason ordinary students begin to dream of extraordinary things. Expectations and appropriate demands are not harshness; they are care in action.

Children may experience our expectations as unpleasant or frustrating — that’s normal. Expectations push them into unfamiliar territory, and discomfort can sound like resistance, complaints, or tears. What matters is distinguishing discomfort (a healthy part of growth) from despair (a sign that our demands are too high).

Lowering expectations too far can be as harmful as setting them unrealistically high.

Finding the Right Balance

Too little expected → children achieve little and learn to settle.
Too much expected → they may shut down under pressure.
A lot, with support → they may exceed what they — and even we — imagined.

High expectations paired with love, support, and encouragement build both achievement and resilience.

How to Set High Expectations Well

Be clear and specific. Define what “well done” looks like with examples and success criteria.
Aim just beyond current ability. Set next-step challenges (the “stretch, not snap” zone).
Scaffold, then fade. Model, practice together, release responsibility gradually.
Praise process, not person. Name effort, strategies, and improvement.
Normalize struggle. Treat mistakes as data for what to try next.
Offer choice within structure. Autonomy increases buy-in without lowering the bar.
Monitor load. Watch for red flags: persistent shutdown, dread, sleeplessness, complaints. Adjust pace, if needed.
Stay consistent and kind.

A Necessary Caution

Expectations must be age-appropriate and attuned to individual abilities. Demands that exceed a child’s capacity can cause emotional harm — just as chronically low expectations rob them of growth. Real care lives in the balance: firm, compassionate guidance that says:

“I believe you can do this — and I will help you get there.”

Reflection

Children don’t thrive in comfort — they thrive in challenge. Our expectations are not barriers; they are invitations to grow. When we set clear, fair, and loving expectations, we teach a life-long lesson: strength, perseverance, and achievement are built through effort, not avoidance.

Expect much, believe deeply, guide wisely — and children will grow.